Introspection of a life in progress

I often wonder if there are other people like me. This is a question I think most people as themselves at least once in their lives, if not at several points in their lives. I’m usually the odd one out, have been most of my life. I had an argument with my mom when in elementary school (1st or 2nd grade) about how I was not black. Of course when you have to black parents, how could that be? Well I’m pretty light skinned and at this point in life, I had not been exposed to enough black people outside of my family to know that yes, black people come in shades of brown. That argument that she won of course by logic, was one of the hilarious misunderstandings and misconceptions in my life. Thankfully with a wave of immigrants to the school in 3rd and 4th grade, I saw many people who were not only black, but African, Indian, Asian, Native American, Hispanic and everything in between. But still, with my interests being with books, writing, science, no sports and boys as friends and brothers (I have three brothers by the way) I was either made fun of for hanging with the guys, made fun of for not being cool, made fun of for not finding the boys weird or made fun of for being fat and wearing glasses. Coke bottle glasses because sexy glasses weren’t in fashion yet; or at least not in my parents budget.

As I got older, I got used to being made fun of for being fat, black (include n-word and not until high school did I figure out that “You speak so well.” was indeed a backhanded compliment) and nerdy. In middle school, I noticed that both guys and girls came to me for help with all the subjects. This empowered me and made me feel awesome! Though one thing I do remember is that guys started to freak me out. I think I was a late bloomer in that regard about the whole attraction thing. Which as far as my maturity level now and then, we’re still rocking middle school. I will laugh hard at underpants, nuts, mangos, peach fuzz and pussycat. I think it’s just that over the years I’ve progressed intellectually and with my social skills enough to have gainful/meaning full employment, but not enough to establish relationships beyond friends in real life. I say in real life because if you’re the type of nerd I was, college was spent learning, making friends and making even weirder friends on Facebook and doing RPs. RPs are role plays, these can very from two or more people creating an adventure together or something much more sexual. I usually did adventures and then sprinkled sex in there in places. But you do so many of those stories and you get bored or as I did, you spend way too much in the computer and forget how to talk to people, losing the skills you did have.

Thankfully, graduating, working, figuring out that being a doctor, way too much math, I couldn’t pass calculus. Being a psychiatrist would require a master’s degrees and will I make enough money to pay that off ever? Lord bless my mother, she had the idea to suggest that maybe I should volunteer at the hospital and there my love of nursing was born. Hence, why I am a nurse today working with old people. I can make some of the corniest jokes and they will laugh so hard the dentures will loosen. They also appreciate when you talk to them because you took the time to call them by name and ask how they are. Our elderly are kinda swept to the side and the focus is on babies and children. They’re overrated plus you have to argue with the parents. I always hated that part in clinicals.I love my old weird people.

I suppose in all my nursing clinicals and classes, my social skills improved again, but still not on the ‘more than friends’ part. Which I’ve been fine with for years and really still am fine with. Relationships take a lot of work and I’m still unsure if I’m willing to it that much effort. I live with my parents, which I used to be embarrassed about after high school going into college, but given the number of people that had to move back in with family after finding out that no, that $14/hour job will not cover rent, gas, utilities, phone and car; something is going to have to give. I stopped feeling bad about it. My parents are pretty chill about my comings and goings, I pay rent and pay for the streaming services, my phones services and pretty much stuff I want. I also grab groceries and chip in on major appliances because I use them too.

My life is wonderful and blessed. Sometimes I wonder if I should have a boyfriend or at least a special male friend because my parents have expressed that they would like me not to die alone. But given my very limited experience with the opposite sex romantic relationship wise, I have doubts that I’ll find someone to grow old with. I am open to the idea and it sounds great and beautiful, but I don’t know if I have the grit to sustain such a relationship assuming that I’m able to start one. I feel that’s the biggest point, how do you start a relationship like that? Hell if I know, it’s just assumed at my age (29 years old) that I would know, but what of you don’t? I also feel like I’m in some weird single digit percentage group of people that are in a similar situation and there will be a National Geographic documentary on us. Which I’m telling you, I’m not likely to agree to. Anyway, I’ll see where life continues to take me, maybe my next introspective post will be a complete 180°, all in due time and season.

3 thoughts on “Introspection of a life in progress

    1. That’s good to know. I often wondered if I was one of the few ones in the area. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Black nerdy guys are represented somewhat, but black women are usually hypersexualized or angry. Not much in between.

      Liked by 1 person

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